You're in conflict with someone, instead of focusing on where you disagree, focus on where you agree.
Inter personally competent people resolve conflict in a positive
manner. No matter how inter personally competent you are, or how easy
going you are, you will inevitably find yourself in conflict. People
will not always agree with you, and you will not always agree with
others.
My favorite method for dealing with conflict is counter intuitive. By
definition, conflict is a state of disagreement. When I'm in conflict
with someone however, instead of focusing on where we disagree, I focus
on where we agree.
This is a great way to not only resolve conflict positively, but to
strengthen relationships. And, as we all know, conflict often leads to a
deterioration of relationships. So to me this approach is a no brainier. First, you get to resolve conflict positively. Second, you
strengthen your relationships.
I look for any small point of agreement and then try to build on it. I
find that it is easier to reach a larger agreement when I build from a
point of small agreement, rather than attempting to tear down the
other person's points with which I don't agree.
Most people don't do this. They get caught up in proving their point.
They hold on to it more strongly when someone else attacks it. If you
turn around the discussion and say, "Let's focus on where we agree, and
see if we can build something from there," you are making the
situation less personal. Now the two of you are working together to
figure out a mutually agreeable solution to your disagreement. You're
not tearing down one another arguments just to get your way. Try
this. It works.
With President Obama's visit in progress in India, let me
demonstrated the above in his first speech to a joint session of
Congress. As he was winding up his talk, he said…
"I know that we haven't agreed on every issue thus far, and there are
surely times in the future when we will part ways. But I also know
that every American who is sitting here tonight loves this country and
wants it to succeed. That must be the starting point for every debate
we have in the coming months, and where we return after those debates
are done. That is the foundation on which the American people expect us
to build common ground."
"And if we do—if we come together and lift this nation from the
depths of this crisis, if we put our people back to work and restart the
engine of our prosperity, if we confront without fear the challenges
of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not
quit, then someday years from now our children can tell their children
that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved
into this very chamber, 'something worthy to be remembered.'
The American President was right on with this one. When you come
together with the people with whom you are in conflict by identifying
some small point on which you agree, you are putting yourself in the
position to begin building a resolution to the conflict— one that is
likely to be better than either side's opening position. And, by working
together, you'll be strengthening your relationship. This will
facilitate even more effective conflict resolution down the road. Look
for common ground. When you find it, build on it. You'll find that this
is a great way to resolve conflict in a manner than enhances, not
destroys, relationships.
By-Sonal Aurora is director and co- founder of Perfman HR.
